Pre-Marriage Education

"We've been living together for so long now, we've sorted everything out. We don't need to do a pre-marriage course.... do we?"

Every couple could consider and benifit from pre-marital education. If any of the following apply to you or your partner however, it may be particularly helpful;

• Parents divorced
• Physical or verbal abuse by parents
• Cultural or religious differences
• Regular conflict over unresolved issues
• Conflict involving negative 'put downs'
• Withdrawal and avoidance around decision making
• Unwillingness to talk about feelings
• The only serious relationship both partners have had
• A drug or alcohol addiction
• Unreal expectations of each other

Great Expectations

Almost every couple getting married wants their marriage to be a fulfilling, life enriching experience both for themselves and their partner. However, couples face more demands and stresses in their relationship with fewer supports than previous generations.

Most Australian couples in the twenty-first century are expected to build a life for themselves, manage two careers and raise a family with even less government and agency support than their parents received. This means that couples need to have well developed communication and conflict resolution skills and be able to work effectively as equal partners in the decision making process. Without these skills couples can, at times, feel overwhelmed by the stress of life in a relationship where there is the pressure of work, a mortgage, credit card bills, children, in-laws, etc, etc, etc.

The Marital Facts

Research has demonstrated that an effective skill based pre-marriage education program can reduce the risk of divorce by 30 % and can add to the possibility of a happier marriage. It seems that the most effective period for couples to do a pre-marriage education program is during the year leading up to their wedding through to 6 months after the wedding.

Beat the Divorce Odds with Confidence

Even though most couples live together for many years before marriage, almost half of all marriages in Australia end in divorce and many more of those that continue report less than satisfactory relationships. Naturally, most happily engaged couples believe that their marriage will not end in a break up. They hope that their marriage will be part of the percentage that endure and are fulfilling. You can trust your luck or you can be proactive by putting in place some skills that will help you through the inevitable difficulties that couples face from time to time by seeking marriage advice.

Education V’s Counselling

Pre-marital education is not counselling. To undertake a pre-marriage education program is not a statement that there is anything wrong with a couple's relationship. On the contrary, it is a powerful statement of the value that a couple give to their relationship and that they would do everything possible to enrich it. It is like making an investment in their future happiness together.

The Choices

Pre-marriage education can be done in different ways...

• Questionnaires to identify differences in opinions, attitudes and family backgrounds which may create conflict for a couple in the future
• Group or individual sessions with a trained relationship educator designed to assist couples in identifying blocks to effective communication, and put in place helpful patterns of communication, conflict resolution, attitudes to each other and decision making processes. These programs also help couples examine the impact on their relationship made by their families, lifestyle, work pressures and expectations.
• Online programs and interactive e-Books also provide couples with an opportunity to undertake a pre-marriage course in the comfort of their home and at a time suitable to them

Topics that are commonly covered in pre-marriage programs include...

    * The influence of our family of origin on us and our relationship
    * Patterns of communication
    * Resolving conflict so both win
    * Budgeting
    * Decision making
    * Intimacy and sex

Building the Trust

It is important to note that healthy, enriching relationships do not 'just happen'. They need two people who are 'happy being who they are' and who trust and respect their partner. This takes both time and commitment to work together to build a loving and life-giving relationship.

To respect and love another is to want the best for them. If possible, it means to attempt to meet their partner's needs but, more importantly, to allow them to be an individual within the couple relationship. It is not to be fearful of their giftedness or differences but to be thankful that your partner is not like you and in so many ways complements and enriches you.

To trust another is to take a risk. It is the opposite to self-protection. It is to be vulnerable, to open yourself to the possibility of being hurt or disappointed by another. It is not always easy to trust, even the one you love. However, if you do, personal growth happens and the foundation for a deeply satisfying relationship is laid.

Fulfilling the Dream Marriage

All couples have expectations of each other and their relationship but often they are unspoken. Couples need to talk about the expectations they have of each other and their desires for the future of their relationship. It cannot be assumed that, just because someone loves us, they know what we need or want for ourself or our relationship. Communication in a relationship enables the transmission of thoughts and feelings with each other. Using words, touch, facial expressions, etc we invite our partner to know us as we really are and, after all, that is what love and intimacy are all about.